The Year Of Trying It Again
I posted, when we moved here, all about how this was the year of living differently. And I put up a few posts, but mostly while the externals were different (smaller town, cows, mountains, poison oak, blackberries everywhere), I remained the same.
There has been a frenzy of same, of holding on to same, to doing the same things I did back in Austin, in the same ways, even as everything about my circumstances and even my body have been steadily changing. Becoming something different.
It's demoralizing in a lot of ways. Why? Because it's clear to me a lot of my actions are based in fear. Fear of losing what I thought I had, fear of irrelevancy, fear of not having capacity. This year has taken so much out of me. It has been full bore exhausting emotionally and physically and existentially? Good lord.
In all of it, I'm still acting like the same ways of living will work. It's taken me a year to really grapple with how that's not the way things are gonna go, that I'm setting myself up for a kind of disappointment and worse, that I might run myself into the ground.
Some of this is based in my own expectations that I "have" to be a certain way. I "have" to be producing a lot of events, on top of things, be making connections right and left and "onstage." I'm not making sense, likely, and that's ok. It's been hard trying to figure out who and how to be in Oregon (as opposed to Texas). I've missed Texas and it's warmth and Austin-her activism and her music and her vibrancy and largesse. And tacos. And that is not to say you can't get tacos (good amazing tacos) here. Or that the people aren't kind (they are). Or that there isn't activism, for there is, it's just different and requires something different.
Niches are filled here, in many ways. Roles are already being played. I don't know what lines to learn or if I'm even in the play at this point. Maybe I'm backstage or maybe I'm writing a new play altogether.
Anyway, it is time for some different living. Random changes.
I think, this month, I'll try by being vegetarian. No beef, pork, chicken. Maybe fish. Maybe next month it will be something else. Snake dancing. Choir. Who knows.
I'm going to try and document it here, because why not. It's a nice private space for the most part. I don't get a lot of readers. Maybe you'll join me and tell me how you've moved through middle spaces.