Not So Madcap


Lots going on right now.  Probably overexercising, not a surprise. I've been training for the half marathon of course, and also doing this awesome yoga class. But today a few hours after class, my knee just totally tweaked out.

Age will do that.

I'm in a very weird and down mood, which of course I feel guilty about because there are thousands of things going on in the world that need attention and support (not that I'm the one to give them that), but my first world problems are ridiculous at best. That I'm even writing them in a blog is hilariously narcissistic.

I saw mom today. She was in a fine mood, sweet faced, smiling. I cannot believe how utterly depressing her living conditions are (even though they are really, really nice and clean).  On her right was a woman near her age, completely humped over, unable to spoon herself any food. Eyes closed, she ate literal mush from the outstretched spoon of the caregiver.  To mom's right was a man about my age, maybe younger. He too was eating mush. He couldn't drink liquids for fear of choking. The cups of cranberry juice were mixed with a thickener which made his juice into a kind of pudding.

His mother was there. They were new and she seemed...both terrified and resigned. I felt like I should have talked with her and comforted her in some way. But I was really freaked out that there was a person sitting at the table with me, near my age, who couldn't eat or talk. And what could I say to her? It gets better? It doesn't.

I have a very odd mix of emotions when I'm there, like this uplifted spiritual sense and this terrible cynicism. We can't do anything but care for each other even when the most caring thing can't be spoken.  I don't know.  Bedlam in floral trip wall paper.

I had a couple other experiences today that kind of floored me. One- I hate it when I'm in a meeting with someone who wants to be told that there is a really super easy way to do things, when the thing they want actually takes time and investment. And so I have to lay out the groundwork for them, ironically modeling the time and investment it takes in making what they want work.  The other-Just some bullshit. My instincts were proven correct and while in a way that makes me happy about my instincts, I was disappointed.

Sometimes I really like who I am, and sometimes I wish I could be selfish and awful and not care even if I fucked people over. I know a lot of people who have fucked people over and they seem to get away with it. I don't know how they do it.

I suppose I'm just pragmatic enough to realize that if I hurt people it doesn't really do me or anyone any damn good. But I get pretty tired of being helpful sometimes.