The Weight of Weight
Like many women, I've done the dance of disordered eating. This dance began in college, after a bit of weight gain, and then a bad break up, all while being a theater and dance major. I was never anorexic or bulimic, but my head got pretty messed up about food, looks, and the like for a good piece of time. The little food demon has waxed and waned over the years, but I still feel the pull to do the dance every now and then.
Lots of women have battled with their own hunger, their own desire for food which wrestles with the desire to look like society's ideal.
Which is a difficult ideal to fulfill if you aren't 5'8", 125, long and lanky.
For me, it's rarely been about health, the control over weight, and all about worth. The worth of my looks or my ass or my arms or whatever I was obsessed with.
Ironically, the times in my life when I've been my most slender have been the times of greatest emotional pain.
1) After the break up, in college. Working out incessantly, hungry as hell, and broken-hearted.
2) Post Partum with my first child, a terrible job with a wretched working situation, anxious, fearful, miserable.
3) After my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and we were in the middle of moving her, dealing with lawyers, terrified.
I felt small and invisible and out of control. And I looked fabulous.
And that's fucked up.
Currently, I've got more authority in several systems then I've ever had. I'm in charge and in control of a lot. I'm seen, I'm visible, I'm counted upon, I count.
And I'm the heaviest I've probably ever been. Is that fucked up?
I mention all this because I'm about to start a half marathon training program with Team FX which raises money for the Austin Children's Shelter, as well as trains you to complete a half or full marathon. Both goals are focused on healing a community and health of the being, care-taking others and caring for the body.
And I want to focus on those things, and not whether I lose or gain weight, or whether my ass is this or that shape. I'm aware that I need to be intentional about those goals, health and healing, and try to integrate into myself the fact that I have weight in this world and that it matters what I do with it.
And weight is good.