I had a really cool dream last night, not unlike the "Courage the Basset Hound" dream. I was at a ballet studio and in the dream it was clear that it was a studio of some importance, one that I'd been to before or wanted to be a part of very much. I was in my leotard and tights and shoes and the studio was mostly empty. The owner and head teacher came in and this made me nervous. She recognized me and she said something to the effect of "you haven't been here for a long time, why have you been gone." And I couldn't figure out what to say. Then she said, "You were so amazing in those clown classes, we wanted you to be in a show (something) because you do that kind of movement so well" and I was shocked and floored in the dream because I didn't know she thought of me that way. And a few other nice things which I won't say because it makes my dream self sound like a narcissist but the point is this woman was complimenting me BUT NOT ABOUT BALLET, she was complimenting me on movement and clowning.

As we are finishing talking I'm going to go gather my things and the room has filled up with all these ballerinas in their gear, all perfect and sleek and elegant. One has her stuff on my stuff and I go to move it and she gets really bitchy with me. Instead of apologizing though, I have this realization that even though I'm not a sleek ballerina, I'm highly valued for what I'm good at and I ask this bitchy girl her name, and say, I always like to know the name of the bitch who is being so rude to me."

Which is so not a thing I would say normally.

And I walk off.

As I'm leaving the studio, I can tell I'm still nervous, and while feeling good about dealing with the snotty girl, I'm also happy I dealt with her. Also? I have this weird regret about what will never be (me and ballet proper) and a regret and deep pain that the reason I'd not been back to the studio was because once my mother got sick I just gave up, but that I was finding my way back.