A friend of mine recently said to me, when I was noting my lack of blogging, that it's better to fill up one's time doing things rather than reporting what you may or may not be doing.

He probably is secure enough in his future that he believes his life may be documented by others, so he need not spend time on it himself.

I do not ever leave things like that in others control. If I'm ever gonna wind up in an archive, I'm gonna tell my own story, thanks.

There is a lot to document actually, and if I were doing a good job I'd probably have stories and stories to tell you about the holidays and all the writing I'm doing elsewhere, and the shows I'm producing and festival I'm working on. Not to mention meals I've cooked.

I can't find the patience or something.

Monday was the anniversary of my father's death. It's been 33 years since he died, suddenly and publicly, and I've been pondering it on and off since I realized what day it was. Pondering mostly, what might my life had been like if he'd died say...two years later. Or 10. Or earlier even. What particular scar tissue would have changed, moved if, alternative universe-esque, he'd lived to see me graduate from college.

Would I be more of a princess? Have less body image issues? Continued on with music instead of theater? Joined a sorority?

Why wonder these things? Because I am at midlife and I'm thinking about who I am and trying to determine which parts are worth being proud of, I suppose. Because I have kids straddling the age I was when he died. Because I grew up with a most unhappy mother and I wonder what life might have been like if she'd been happier? I don't know. I do know that I'm wrestling with a number of dynamics and it's awfully tiring.

I do know that I'm struggling with my dharma, struggling with my apparent path, wishing perhaps I could change it slightly, knowing I can't and that I'd do best to just do what the universe is telling me to do and shut the ever lovin' fuck up about it.

Quit whining in other words. Do less, write more, get on with it. Or the reverse. Either.