Quilts And Things

I dread taking down all the Christmas ornaments. I dread it not only for the practical reasons-things seems more complicated when you are putting them away, there are so many steps involved and I never seem to have the same boxes around for all the glass ornaments, but for all the symbolic ones.

First of all, December 31st indicates the coming end of time out of time, the festal season closes, the house is stripped of her finery, the presents are unwrapped and the page is turned between one year and the next. The year is ending tonight. The year begins tomorrow. There is reality to face, work to wake up for, a new but old set of patterns to reacclimate myself to slowly.

January is the loneliest month. It's quiet and gray and cold and though its THE NEW YEAR, its filled with nothing but reminders that the slog is back. Back to work. Back to school. Back to resolutions of being a better person. THIN! FIT! HEALTHIER. GOALS! January begins with a national hangover and ends with a shame spiral of broken resolutions.

Plus, there are no more parties.

The end of the year also brings statements about how terrible the old year was and how much better the new year will be, how they are looking forward to the future, to the new, to the next. Surely 2011 will be better, yes? Better luck?

Better events?

I don't think my 2010 was all that bad if you really break it down. Personally, I had a great deal of success.

I completed a triathlon and didn't die or quit and I continue to work out.

My job expanded and changed and ultimately became a little more interesting, more satisfying.

I was in show after show after show. I did my first scripted work in some 12 years. I took on the executive producership of Ladies Are Funny Festival. I enjoyed strange new works that previously would have scared me away from my own interest in them. I performed in New York City on a New York City stage.

I held a baby goat and discovered the magical world of the CSA.


My children did well in school and are healthy. I love my husband very much and he loves me. I have kind friends, much love, connections, community.

I feel entirely more sure than ever of my role in my 40's as an advocate for sexual literacy and human rights, as a producer and artist.

Then again, I did find my heart broken on several occasions and in strange ways. I did find that my success doesn't make the necessary difference all the time. Me being good at something doesn't always mean anything. I did not make any financial gains, regardless of my success in certain arenas. My monetary life seems to be modeled after a good hearted but flaky non-profit. I hid at times when I should have been brave. I paid attention to a great many of the wrong things. I did not heal certain relationships that were within my reach of healing. I remained estranged from my family. I did not see a therapist and lord knows I should have, for my issues with my mother, they are large and unyielding.

There are always successes and failures and I don't think that the clock changing over has much to do with that cycle. That's just an ongoing quilt full of beauty and imperfections making a whole yadda yadda and etc.

That's enough platituding. What I want for 2011 is to be able to continue what I have started. To be responsible and consistent and stalwart. To understand that the middle is where all the good is, even if feels like where all the slog is. There is nothing but slogging but that's ok. Learning that has been the most important part and that lesson is going to continue year after year and I'm ok with so long as I get to keep decorating the house from Halloween through New Years.


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