Sensations, Mongeese

I want to write pages and pages about the show I saw last night, Biography of Physical Sensation by Rubber Reperatory and a show I was at/in, Mongoose a few weeks ago I'm not finished processing it all so this is just a start.

I have, let's say, control issues. Always have, since about 1978 or so. I like to be in the driver's seat as much as possible, or at least I used to. As a kid I was terrible at games like truth or dare, only ever picking truth because I figured truth was less painful than whatever dare a 7th grader could come up with. I was not ok with the whole let's get out a Ouija board, for the (in my young mind) completely reasonable reason that if I were a ghost and some giggly kids were knocking on my spiritual door at 1 am, I'd be pissed. I'm a fan of movie spoilers, especially if it is a film that promises to fuck me up emotionally. I don't mind being fucked up. I just need to know how much recovery time to expect. I have had a few very long recovery experiences after key films in my life. Even with the spoilers. Especially without.

Mostly, it boils down to not really liking surprises much. At all.

I'm not saying this desire for control is a good quality (though it makes me a good producer and organizer for having an iron fist of control might work well there), but there's decent enough reason for who I wound up becoming, why a bit of control makes sense for me, and I know what those reasons are and I'm always working on it. I'm working on it.

One of the more unfortunate ways this kind of trait manifested itself in adulthood, was having an immediate defensiveness towards art or theater or music that was emotionally challenging, non narrative, non linear. Either it was too much of a mind fuck, or I just figured I couldn't "get it" not realizing that not "getting it" was maybe part of the joy. I would generally avoid work that I felt insecure around.

Again, to my loss both in experiencing art but also in performing it. I limited myself, but that's just where I was at the time and life is a journey and this is my path and that's just that or so the sage television sages say.

After starting improv though, I've been able to really shift my enjoyment into sitting in the passenger seat, into riding along, into moving deeply into and past narrative and allowing experiences to me, on me, over me. Improv really opened me up to a kind of play and connection and energy exchange and vulnerability that I am very grateful for, and want more of. I think my ability as an actress has grown in leaps and bounds due to my increasing willingness to be out of control.

So I had been avoiding seeing Mongoose because I had no idea what it meant, what it was, what it did. But I met Christopher Petkus and I really liked working with him on his Legendary Unproduced Screenplay Series and so off I went. I loved it is all I can say. I even wound up in the show for a short moment, with about as much chaos as I can imagine occurring on stage and at me. I didn't understand it but I knew there was an order under it. I want to see more. Really lovely wild stuff.

I also went to see Biography, due to Josh Meyer, who I first saw in Dionysus in 69 (which when I think about it also had a pretty liberal loosen up quality to it)....he encouraged me to see the show, and so I went. I'm really glad I did. I can't really explain yet (and maybe I don't need to) how absolutely beautiful I found the piece.

Yeah, I don't really need to explain it. It was truly beautiful and challenging and I have questions and questions and wish I could see it again with more willingness to let go.

This is progress.