A Strange Concurrence of Events

I'm left feeling drained and reeling from the odd assortments of moments in my life the past few days. This may be a rambling and moody post, mostly because I haven't really processed anything and most everything feels jumbled together and raw.

Tuesday morning I woke up to a call from the nursing home. My mother, Barbara, had fallen out of her wheelchair and they had to let me know. She wasn't injured, or so they said, but I figured it would be a good idea to go and see her anyway.

She was in the dining room when I arrived, being fed by a lovely woman who works two jobs and is probably woefully underpaid at both, but gives off the most radiant loving kind glow. She really seems to like my mother and she's very friendly to me, talks about her day or what's going on. I always feel weird around her, me dashing in from my job wearing nice clothes, and her spending ample time with my mother and others feeding them and clothing them prior to going off to her second shift. Class. Race. Age. Guilt. Layers and layers of it until I just have to scream in my head and realize she probably could care less about how I feel about that, and what she's offering is really a nice conversation and kindness to my mother.

I fed her for a bit and as I was getting ready to leave she reached up and took my face in her hand. I was floored. She smiled at me and just looked at me and I can't tell you how disconcerting it was to experience that. What the fuck is going on in her mind? Is she trapped? Can she tell who I am? Or am I like a flash or a photograph in an endless sea of drug induced time?

I have these dreams where I've taken her away from the nursing home and, once off medications, she's as lucid as can be and I'm so happy about it. I feel so guilty when I wake up. What if all this time all these people are hearing and feeling and screaming inside, conscious of it all. And all of us just ignoring them. Sort of.

So, I felt odd as I left, but leave I did and I went to my workplace, and just as I was walking in the building a huge siren went off and a loudspeaker voice growled through the air. Not a good sound on a campus.

Not good at all, as there was a student who apparently wielded an AK47 and tore off some shots before heading into the main library and killing himself. Well, this caused a total lockdown on campus. The people off campus couldn't get on, the ones on campus couldn't leave. No one knew for a long time if there was an actual massacre thing or another shooter or what. While I knew I was physically safe, the entire thing was sort of....numbing if that makes any sense. My adrenaline was both high and also flat. I didn't feel scared or even angry. Just unreal.

Today brought another set of emotions. I'm now a blogger for the Chronicle, for their Gay Place Blog, as an ally. This is exciting and amazing and intimidating, but one of the things I needed to blog about was the news of so many teen suicides due to being bullied in middle and high school.

It's just all kind of....just a lot. A lot of pain, in a lot of places. An amazing way to spread light and news and support. A lot of attention on something that needs attention. A sad day of students filled with fear. My mother. Her touching me.

All very odd. I still feel very odd.