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The Year Of Trying It Again

I posted, when we moved here, all about how this was the year of living differently. And I put up a few posts, but mostly while the externals were different (smaller town, cows, mountains, poison oak, blackberries everywhere), I remained the same.

There has been a frenzy of same, of holding on to same, to doing the same things I did back in Austin, in the same ways, even as everything about my circumstances and even my body have been steadily changing. Becoming something different.

It's demoralizing in a lot of ways. Why? Because it's clear to me a lot of my actions are based in fear. Fear of losing what I thought I had, fear of irrelevancy, fear of not having capacity.  This year has taken so much out of me. It has been full bore exhausting emotionally and physically and existentially? Good lord.

In all of it, I'm still acting like the same ways of living will work. It's taken me a year to really grapple with how that's not the way things are gonna go, that I'…

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